broken up inside

brokeninsideout @ 2009-09-26T01:38:00

2009-09-26T06:45:25Z

i wish i could call you everyday and tell you everything about my day. but im too stubborn. im too scared of being vulnerable. the only thing getting in the way of you and i is me. sometimes when i open up and tell you whats going on with me you do truly care, but i get so anxious and scared that you wont care about what i have to say at any given time that i hold back. i hold back alot from you because i am so afraid to being vulnerable. youve made it clear that you are a safe person. but i cant get that through my head. the only way that i will be a good companion for you is for me to start valuing myself and my feelings and thoughts and actions. and unfortunately the only way for me to do that is alone. i love you so much and dont want to lose you while im looking for me. that is one of the greatest fears of mine that you wont be waiting for me like ive waited for you the last 3 years. but i dont really want you to wait, because then i would feel like i am holding you back from something or someone that could be amazing for you. and i cant give you a time frame on when i will be ready to be your lady again. i just dont know... it comes down to that, but i do know that i still love you.

youre leaving me again

2009-09-25T17:36:22Z

youre going to wyoming soon. where i cant go. i cant keep talking to you. i dont know how i want to go about it tho. cause i know once i tell you, youre not going to bat an eye and youre going to keep walking like you always do. just move on and there will be nothing there. its killing me knowing how easy it is going to be for you. cause it is going to be ripping my fucking heart out. i dont know what to do. i dont. im so lost and hurt when it comes to you. i need someone who can call me out on my shit and be fucking honest with me. but you dont pay enough attention to do that anyway. this is all just completely fucked. and you dont have to deal with it cause youre always on the go always leaving and doing things. you dont have to fucking deal with reality. fuck you, itll come to bite you in the ass someday. someone is going to leave you and fuck you over just as youve been doing to me and youll see how much it fucking hurts for someone to be able to leave you over and over again and not even shed a fucking tear.

its destroying me

2009-05-07T20:11:54Z

james is back. we broke up and this is the first time weve been together since. its a disaster. hes got me wrapped around his finger. he makes me so strong when hes here but i fall to pieces when he leaves me. i cant handle this rollercoaster thats why i broke up with him so that i could learn to make myself happy and not depend on him to come home and make me happy. cause hes going to keep leaving and hurting me. i cant deal with this shit anymore. its fucking torture. when hes here i feel so happy and alive and poductive. i feel like a good person. and when he leaves i feel like shit. i feel worthless and useless and unable to finish any task. its not right to live that way. i dont want to depend on someone else to keep me happy especially when that person is going to be going in and out of my life and hurting me everytime they walk away. im just scared as fuck cause i dont know how to i can make myself happy like he does. i know theres a way but right now i honestly feel like i wont ever be happy alone. i just dont know what to do and im so lost. im lost without him. im unhappy without him. im a fucking wreck without him. but when hes here i feel like i can take on the world. like the whole fucking world is mine. the ups and downs of our relationship is more than i can handle anymore. hes going on with his life when he leaves me and im just sitting here waiting for him to come home so i can get on with my life. i was doing alright since we broke up. i was trying to live a life without him. i was trying to be strong and do everything on my own and not leave it up to him. but as soon as he came home it all went to hell. i melted when i saw him. i melted when he hugged, kissed, made love. hes just so powerful. now i am going to be a complete disaster whenever he leaves again. i am going to be crying all alone again. i am going to feel like i cant move like i cant function. i dont know what to do.

you monster

2009-01-20T05:30:50Z

"Trust me, I know all about this : Once you've seen the absolute worst in everybody you've ever met, you sort of give up hope. Any good that you might see -- well, you know better. You know what lurks beneath the surface, what's right around the corner. You've seen the truth in everybody. Everybody. So you accept that everyone is inherently capable of hurting you. They're only out for themselves. You will end up hurt. You can't judge people in the same way that you once did -- "this person is good"; "this person is bad"... You embrace everyone, equally -- But now there is a protective barrier.

you done fucked up.

2008-11-19T05:13:29Z

i dont give a fuck about updating this bitch, i just need to fucking vent. im drinkin drank. my eyes are already feeling kind of heavy but that may just be from puking earlier. hopefully this shit will help me fall asleep quick so i can skip the nightly crying sessions in bed. im so fucking sick of crying myself to sleep. im so fucking sick of being alone and lonely. my day had already been fucking shitty and i was feeling quite unstable then justin chooses today to fucking apologize for not saying bye to me when he left for cali. wow wtf, good day to bring that shit up buddy. i think about that shit too often, maybe him owning that and apologizing will help me let go of it. its the god damn abandonment thing again, fuck! fuck the god damn military. fuck being alone. then again, i wouldnt want james to be here right now anyway. theres no way he would put up with how ive been living my life. but ive stopped caring. im doing whatever the fuck i can to survive right now. if it means i gota puke, self injure, smoke some bud, dont matter, i gota fucking get myself thru. hmmm, i dont know why i feel so much fucking anxiety around my family. holy fuck. its really depressing its like there is something im like really fucking out of touch with. cause i fucking knaw off my nails and constantly feel so fucking uncomfortable around them. and i wana spend time with them so fucking bad. i miss them all so much. but whenever i get around them i just feel paralyzed. uncomfortable is definitely the perfect explanation for it. god damnit im so fucking tired. but i cant fucking sleep. the only time i get to sleep is whenever ive soaked my pillow with tears. god damnit god damnit god fucking damnit. im at a loss for words. i just wana fucking punch everything i see. but i have to fucking suck it up so i can talk to james and be fucking la ti da cause nothing is fucking real with us. its just fucking fakey bullshit. i dont fucking believe he means all the shit he feeds me and i know im talking out of my ass so he doesnt know what bad shape im in. then again if i fucking yelled it to him he would still be fucking clueless. him being away sucks, but the fucking distance between us is what really blows. we dont communicate. ive lost hope. im just going thru the motions right now cause id hate to think of him with someone else. i know i do fucking love him and may quite possibly be in love with him. but im not confident in our relationship. its a shitty one, at best. fuck him. fuck me. and fuck you. i gota go take care of my shit.